not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
