you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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