if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
