1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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