I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
