she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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