I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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