are you still at the devil's house?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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