He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
