I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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