i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
