Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
