I didn't shave. On purpose
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
