Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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