i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
