so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
