i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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