Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
