This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
