either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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