Screwed.edu
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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