Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just had sex bonerless
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
