He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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