Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Less talking, more tequila
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
