what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
