I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
