she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
