i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this will be a night to untag.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
