you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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