I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
