you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
