"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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