I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
