I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Drunk is not a location!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
