seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
