I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
