I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
