She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
