how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
