what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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