Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
