I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
