I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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