this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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