Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
