Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
