i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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