my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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