just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
