Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Come share oat with me in your robe
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
